Showing posts from April, 2019

Dreamy Longings

Dreamy Longings  Locked in her dream, she knew better than to fight it. She had been here before, but something felt different this time. She could feel him here, just beyond her reach. If she rushed, she would wake up again without seeing him. The scenario had played out too many times for her to doubt at least that much; so, she forced her body to go quiet, stilled her beating heart, closed her eyes, and let the mist swirl around her without fear.
When she opened her eyes, she was outside, the foggy dream mist blanketing the greening grass of her front yard, rising and falling amongst the leaves of the two large maple trees, spreading out over the landscape. Pulled by an invisible force, she moved forward, and the smoky covering swirled away to expose her mailbox. She didn’t want to reach inside, but she felt helpless to do otherwise. She wanted to go back into the house, find her boy, though she knew in this dream he was half grown, his body taking on more of a man’s shape than he ha…


When I woke up this morning, early, of course, I was not feeling the love. I wanted to stay home, maybe drink the entire pot of coffee, nap; definitely did NOT feel like heading to the gym, seeing people, fighting the good fight. In fact, it's been about an entire week of feeling like I did this morning. (If you haven't read Giants in our Midst, you should give it a go as it sets the tone for where my head's been at recently.) 
'Before', this rarely happened. Immediately 'After', it happened on a daily basis. However, the past few months have been particularly positive, upbeat even! Retirement has been good for me, helped me find a level of softness and relaxation, despite the crazy busy calendar I keep. Now, it is April; or, as my brain calls it, almost May. *and she steps back onto the roller coaster ride once more* Actually,  my 'Always' means that I am perpetually on the roller coaster that is life after losing my Robbie. What I'm contemplat…

Giants in our Midst

Giants in our midst
It would be so easy to give in to the wave of gray. The elements seem to be stacking against me as April storms into May. The recent death of a beautiful girl. Thunderstorms and rainy skies. Dreams I cannot remember even when they wake me in the dark of early morning. The approaching month of May, the birth month of the Giant, my 'new normal',  Grief, into my midst.  It would be so easy to curl up and stay put, to wrap my arms around my heart, to simply not play the game.  It would be too easy; so I get up, reach out, drive in the rain toward people who will understand. I let the tears flow without wiping. I let my memories skitter and land, my heart sigh and break, and my mind to cloud before clearing again.  In my front yard, buttercups are starting to show, peeps of yellow that weren’t there yesterday. They have a ways yet to go, but what they work at today will show up tomorrow; and what they fight for tomorrow will show up for the days after.  Time and a gu…