GIVE TODAY A CHANCE

When I woke up this morning, early, of course, I was not feeling the love. I wanted to stay home, maybe drink the entire pot of coffee, nap; definitely did NOT feel like heading to the gym, seeing people, fighting the good fight. In fact, it's been about an entire week of feeling like I did this morning. (If you haven't read Giants in our Midst, you should give it a go as it sets the tone for where my head's been at recently.) 

'Before', this rarely happened. Immediately 'After', it happened on a daily basis. However, the past few months have been particularly positive, upbeat even! Retirement has been good for me, helped me find a level of softness and relaxation, despite the crazy busy calendar I keep. Now, it is April; or, as my brain calls it, almost May. *and she steps back onto the roller coaster ride once more* Actually,  my 'Always' means that I am perpetually on the roller coaster that is life after losing my Robbie. What I'm contemplating now though is that as the dark, deep plummets occur less than they once did, when they do emerge on the horizon, they are more surprising, harder for me to manage. 

The good news is, I've learned many ways of coping with grief in the almost 9 years since that horrible, awful, worse than even my writer's imagination could have once created day. 

I've learned NOT to: 

     -Tamp down the emotions-tears, anger, whatever...they're coming out when they try to beat me.

     -'Should on' myself...grief doesn't look or act or taste like the same thing for everyone, or for one person every single day or hour or minute. It is the chameleon of unbelievable proportions.

    -Worry about what others might think of what I'm doing to deal with my moments. Doesn't matter. Never did. Buh-Bye if you can't handle me. 

As I stated earlier, this week, well, this week was a plummet, for sure. In fact, I had all but convinced myself that what I needed this morning was to skip the gym, stay home (though I knew I really didn't, hard to lie to yourself, like playing chess against yourself...even your own brain laughs at the audacity), sulk, whatever. For a number of reasons, I posted the following on the social page of my amazing CrossFit family, Greater Lansing CrossFit: 

This week is kicking my arse. Gloomy. Moody. My stupid leg has been swollen again and bruise won't go away even with the laser and icing and taping. Needing to 'talk myself into' going to workouts, cuz, yeah, all that stuff plus feeling exhausted like I haven't in a long, long time. However, signed up for 3 wods, going to get to the 3rd one here in a bit, even though I'll probably have to scale because I am just beat down. Basically, sharing that some weeks are harder than others. Some days seem impossible. 

Never stop getting up and moving, even if it seems backwards or sideways, moving is better than stagnation.

...and then I went to the gym. As you can tell, I really didn't want to go, and I had some fairly low expectations. Basically, I needed the endorphins and the sweat, as wimpy as my performance was going to be for the hour.

My 9a.m. group was larger today than usual. There were a couple newer members, a different mix than typical. I got into the warm-up with a resigned sigh, telling myself that whatever I did was still better than being in the fetal position on the couch at home.

...and then, for the first time since my injury, I was able to tap my knee to the ground during the warm-up walking lunges.

...and do back stepping lunges

...and FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER in my almost two years at GLC, I could also do the horrible, awful, devised by some evil mind crab walk.

Not sure why today of all days all of those movements were possible; but, there I was, kicking ass in the warm up portion. Hmm, I wondered, loading up weight on the barbell for the actual workout, I could do 75 pound deadlifts, maybe I could go Rx today? Then I remembered, the whole workout of the day (wod) was not just deadlifts...12 DL, then 9 Hang Power Cleans, then 6 Shoulder to Overhead lifts...for 7 minutes. Plus, because Coach is awesome and constantly challenging us, after that we were going to get to do pull-ups for a two minute session. 

Hmm, I wondered...could I do those tougher, more challenging movements with the full 75? I loaded it up. The timer buzzed, and I worked, hard, for 7 minutes, completing three full rounds and some extra deadlifts. Then I did a lot of ring pull ups. Smiling. Grinning. Sweating. 

I'm not sharing this to inspire you to workout, or brag, or confirm your suspicions that CrossFitters might be slightly crazy. 

I didn't think I could do it today. 

I didn't WANT to do today. (That is not a typo!)

Yet, again, I got up. I went. I participated. I kicked that Giant's ass and showed him who's boss. Not because I did so well, but simply because I DID. I drove home with energy, smiling, another notch on my survival belt. 

Never quit. Some days, minutes, moments, might seem impossible. You might feel like you cannot keep doing; but, I promise you that you can! 

Doing sometimes means that you curl up, snuggle in, nap, listen to music, cry, watch movies, or any number of other 'non' things; but not for days on end. You know the difference. 

Give your heart a chance. Listen to what your atoms and neurons are telling you. It isn't easy, but it is worth it. You are worth it. Reach out if you feel lost. Reach out to someone you fear is feeling lost. Don't give up. You are not alone. 

I didn't expect the success and joy life brought me today, but I was open to it. I gave myself a chance. There's nothing that makes me special or stronger than anyone else. More stubborn possibly (get it from both sides). I can. You can, too. 

Give today a chance.