IF I WERE A HORSE...EMOTIONAL REGULATION AND ALL THE THINGS!

It's been a rough couple of weeks around here if I'm being totally honest. Covid. Fallout symptoms of exhaustion and a heaviness in my lungs and chest that keep my 'to do list' out of attainment.

I am not a person who enjoys idling when there are so many things I love. 

Yesterday happened. Everything was 'fine', in that nothing was really wrong...but there I sat, crying on the couch because a familiar website morphed before my eyes into a new display. Not a big deal...except, it suddenly was more than I could take. 

It was the final thing, sent me over the top. Off the edge. My body shook. Tears wouldn't stop. Whatever energy reserve I had fizzled away, leaving me empty and depleted.

Similar reactions had been happening in less dramatic versions the last few days, but yesterday was top notch meltdown. Eventually, I recovered, got my ducks in a row, so to speak, and moved on with other things. I took care of some less physically strenuous tractor/pasture work. The results brought me relief and pride. Not wanting to miss out on the gorgeous March day, I videoed sessions with my Mustangs. Cinder was on a relaxation and easy-peasy level I felt to my core. Cappy allowed touch all over his body, both sides, even leaning into some deeper rubs and scratches. Something shifted. A huge change hidden in a feeling nearly impossible to put into words. 

Afterwards, I drove over to a friend's barn to play with two of her horses I've been spending time with toward earning my Shawna Karrasch Equine Certification. Both horses intentionally moved toward me when I arrived, eager and waiting outside the door for me. Tilly nickered a hello! Both were ready to play, hang out, and savor the dopamine that R+ creates.

During Nova's session, as she trotted at liberty beside me, ears attuned, eyes soft, the Aha Moment hit me 

What had happened to me earlier, the 'out of nowhere' panic, is the same thing that happens with our horses. Something inconsequential (a plastic bag, a fence that wasn't there last trail ride, a branch falling from a tree, a squirrel, whatever it might be...) sets our equine spinning out of nowhere. Or so we claim.

But, it isn't out of nowhere. 

On a usual level keel, life simply moves on, maybe my heart rate/the horse's anxiety rises a tad, but eventually fades to normal. But in real life, little things can add up. I compare it to a glass. Each 'little thing/stressor' adds a pebble to the glass. If too many pebbles, or bigger anxiety catalysts get added, all it takes is for one seemingly insignificant addition to overflow and spill the contents.

And leave me sobbing on the couch. Or cause our horses to blow up, panic, head into fight or flight mode.

On top of it all, is my current state of lagging health. My body and mind are worn out, weakened, and simply not up to par with my usual quality standards. 

Imagine a horse with underlying pain issues. Ulcers. Tender ligaments. PTSD. Poisoned cues associated with any and/or all varieties of things asked of them by humans. Their glasses are nearly tip top full before we even ask anything...and then, we ask. With R+, they have choice and a voice. It. Changes. Everything. It builds up the relationship, puts money in the bank with your equine partner. It creates new neural pathways that allow curious behavior, enjoyment of puzzling things, and a true desire to play together.

I finished  my session with Nova and let her eat her jackpot reward while I puttered around, picked up my equipment, and pondered the connection. Using Positive Reinforcement (R+) puts the emotional state of the horse in top priority, constantly assessing and flowing with what the horse is showing they might need to find clarity in the learning process. Standing in the sunshine, I felt something shift and relax inside of me as I breathed in the lesson dropped into my lap by the Universe. I'd understood this connection between learning/anxiety before, but somehow, this day, I'd felt it in a deeper, truer way. 

When I pulled into my driveway, Cappy was standing at the gate. Chad was there, rubbing his hand down Cappy's white face. Let me repeat this, because it is a monumental moment. Cappy was relaxed enough to come to Chad for attention. He wanted contact. He trusted it. Chad's eyes locked on mine as I sat in my car. The emotions and feelings washed around me. I had felt a change in the depth of Cappy's calm, and here was more evidence. 

Emotional regulation is at the heart of building trust and confidence. I experienced it in a way I wanted to share. We moved slowly, in order to have waterfall moments like this, and despite physically feeling a bit like death warmed over, my heart and soul are fulfilled in an entirely new way now. There's so much more ahead, and I cannot wait to see where this journey leads me.