REFLECTIONS: Imposter Syndrome be Gone!

This morning after playing with my horses, I discovered a beautiful, leafy green katydid on the small gate leading out of my west pasture. Not a praying mantis. Not a leaf. Not a grasshopper. An insect that secures its safe existence on faking others out as to its true identity.

Wow, Universe. 

See, after playing with my horses for the hour before, I began to succumb to Imposter Syndrome. I questioned my skills, my patience, my need to always do more, and for at least a nanosecond, wondered why I felt I was any good at anything. 

Ninety-nine percent of the time, I begin training sessions with Cinder and then move to Cappy. However, this morning, since Cappy was already in the west, I started with him. Instead of playing in the arena, I moved our stuff into the pasture. Instead of giving my equines some grazing time together after being separated for breakfast, I went right into a session with Cappy.

As we worked on some hoof husbandry skills, Cappy felt more tense than usual, freezing his chewing much more than he has recently. He was a bit more reactive, less of the super chill gelding I've been seeing. So what if I was wearing new equipment, had changed the location, and had turned our usual routine head over heels before we even started. 

I moved on to Cinder. She kept backing when I asked her to lift her hoof. I felt my frustration with things grow, so we did some Liberty Leading. Even walking, her head was shaking and she got a bit nippy, her lips communicating her own frustration level. 

Basically, I had changed most of our criteria and then was SHOCKED when the horses felt off from their usual demeanors. Weird, right? As the cherry on top, Pivo decided to 'storage is full' quit on me repeatedly, and that was when I threw in the towel and packed up my gear. 

Knowing the horses hadn't done anything wrong, I grabbed my phone and parked my butt on the mounting block in the arena. I figured I would let the equines roll in the sand or graze the fence line while I tried to solve the Pivo issue. 

Within minutes, my breathing returned to normal. Pivo was resolved. Red and Cappy grazed the west fence, lazily pulling random long blades of grass into their mouths. Cinder meandered up behind me, her muzzle soft on my shoulder as she released a sigh. Her eyes were soft as I wrapped my arm over her neck and rubbed behind her ear, one of her favorites, before she slowly moved away. Cappy strolled over to me, his neck low and relaxed. An empty red plastic coffee container lying nearby grabbed his interest, and he explored it with his mouth, careful not to jam his face in too far for safe perusal. Taking his face out of the red container, he snuffled my cheek with his muzzle. Calm. Soft. Relaxed.

I thought about where Cappy was when I first met him, how far he's progressed in building trust with humans. I thought about the other horses like Cappy, that I am now able to help. I thought about the people at the clinic last weekend and the horses and conversations we had about the power of R+. I thought about the energy and self-evaluation that is necessary to do all the things I am pulling together, and then, just for a nanosecond, I wondered. 

What if I'm kidding myself? Who do I think I am, to have these wild hopes and dreams? 

And then I looked at my horses again. Everything else dissipated. My heart remembered why I began, why I work so hard to do more, to learn more, to be better every day for myself, my loved ones, and my equines. 

With a big smile, I walked out of the arena, calling my horses to follow so I could close the arena. Without rushing, and without any begging on my part, all three of my beautiful equines moved out of the arena and into the pasture. Offering soft pets to each of them, I closed the arena gate and walked across the field.

As I went to leave, I spotted the katydid perched on the top bar of the small gate. Imposter, indeed. 

Everything clicked into place. I heard the message. 

Don't quit on your dreams. Embrace the magic that is right there, if we're only open to seeing it. The katydid doesn't wonder, doesn't question its worth. Be like the katydid.