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ONLY ONE MORE DAY

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     It's only one more day. One more day without him. One more day without his smile, his laughter, his dirty socks in the couch cushions, empty Dorito bags in the bathroom (yes, the bathroom).      Eight years ago my world was changed for all eternity. My sweet son, Robbie, gone.      I remember the moment I knew something was wrong. It was in the air as I walked up the steps. It was goosebumps on my skin as I stood in the doorway. There are so many things I remember but don't want to, and so many things I don't that I wish I could have back.      So now I have a new normal. Dreams sometimes bless me with his presence, younger or 16 year old versions, but never older. Last night I cried while watching a show, flashing ahead to future views of the characters' lives, children, laughter, playing, together. I will never know what he could have become. I will never hold his babies in my arms, snuggle them, kiss away their bo...
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Coming to Grips with 'Fair'

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Life is not fair. There are always going to be people who figure out how to work the system, find the loopholes, win without actually earning the win.  This makes me a little crazy...and not in my normal, okay if people don't appreciate my crazy, crazy.  I work really hard to achieve my goals. When I do my best, when I know I have done all I could do, and then get beat to the finish, I am okay with the result. It pushes me further in future attempts. However, when I do my best but get beat at the finish because of loopholes, rules being set aside, trickery if you will...it gnaws at me, burns a hole in my calm, wakes me as I mentally twist and turn with the unfairness of it all. Turn the other cheek. Forgive and forget. Let it go. It's what the loophole seekers, the rule benders, the tricksters are hoping for in order to continue their methods, in order to keep nudging out the ones who play by the rules, who ignore bad behavior by others, who take the infamous high road. Seemin...
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The Final "Normal" Day

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     Six years ago tonight, I went to sleep knowing my children were safe. Six years ago tonight was my final night of normal, of breathing deeply without pause, of sleeping without wishing for more. I had no way of knowing any of this at the time, of course; nonetheless, my life has taken on a new sense of normal in six years time.      Tomorrow marks the sixth year without my son's smile to greet me. Now, it is only in my dreams, memories and pictures that I glimpse his shining brown eyes and light up the room smile. It is still too much for me to watch my videos, delve into the scenes of my young, chubby faced son, hear his giggles and see him teasing his sister, my daughter, who misses him as close to my loss as anyone else can come.      For a number of reasons, or perhaps for no reason at all, this year has seemed harder than others without my Robbie. They are all hard, heartbreaking, terrible to bear...yet, the past six weeks have wr...
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