TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE?

     Self-doubt can be debilitating: that nagging tickle, the voice in my head whispering that I'm not good enough, that it's too good to be true, and worse, that the good times are not going to last.
     For the past weeks, too many even for me to pinpoint, things have been good. In all honesty, good isn't even the right word. Many areas of my life have given me 'aha moments', powerful minutes that have me reflecting on my growth, reaching previous goals and setting my sights even higher.
     Without going into much detail, a few examples:

•      Realizing during a handstand leg extension set that I was actually able to control my abs, that I had gained incredible strength since beginning my fitness journey.
•      Watching my horse's dark eyes calmly follow my movements inside the barn, trust and calm emanating as she chose to share space with me rather than stand alone.
•      Deciding to end my procrastination, and knocking out the outlining and beginnings of a work I've been avoiding truly writing since finishing They Said She Was Crazy.
•      Achieving my first RX toe to bar and multiple double under jump roping moves, after telling myself that I could and would accomplish these goals that day. 
•      Imagining myself leading writing workshops and retreats in a new home, and smiling.
•      Savoring the awed hush after sharing a piece of personal writing with trusted writers.

     Each of these events left tiny notches in my mind. As each happened, I found myself reflecting, actively acknowledging that something good was in the works, promised my journaling mind to write on it at a later point.
     Then the whispers. You know this can't last. Feeling good? *chuckle* Just wait. All good things come to an end. Today was a fluke. 
     Why do I question the good? There are too many reasons, real, true, horrible things that I have survived, that allow that voice to have a hold. Not too long ago, I would have easily been swayed by that raspy doubting whisper. What is most interesting to me now, however, is that I have the strength to push that voice down. My voice is stronger now. There are too many joyful moments to be so easily dismissed. I found myself tsking at self-doubt.
     You know this was a fluke! Me: Yeah? Watch this.
     It won't last! Me: Maybe not, but I've got it right now, and I know I can keep this good going.
     You aren't worthy of good things. Me: Yes. I. Am!

     This new internal voice is kicking the old doubting voice's ass! With every additional accomplishment, more positive energy seeps into my spaces. Good things aren't simply based in good luck. Bad things aren't simply based in bad luck. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people; but, sometimes, good things happen, too.
     The delicious part of this new positive outlook is this: the more I allow myself to reflect on the accomplishments, to smile and enjoy the good moments, and to not give a foundation to the self-doubt? Not shockingly, the more positive outcomes occur!
     I used to say, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you! I would laugh, but inside, I wasn't laughing. Inside, I felt that it didn't matter what I did because in the end, the 'bad guys' were going to win. Maybe my new empowerment is because I'm finally giving myself permission to be joyful. It's the chicken and the egg riddle. Which came first? Am I having more positives because my attitude has evolved, or has my attitude evolved because I'm having more positive experiences?
     I don't even care! Whether I think I can or think I cannot, I'm going to be right. I'm choosing to think I can, that the stars are aligned in my favor, that with each goal achieved I can set a new goal and will at some point get there, too.
     If I can get here, after all I have been through, well, anyone can.
     Listen to the voices, but only believe the ones that lend you strength, that whisper encouragement, that push you to pull yourself up and try again.
     Failure doesn't mean losing. Failure means you did all you could...in that moment. It means you have another chance to try again.
     So, I'm choosing to kick that self-doubting voice where it hurts it
most. There are no limits to what I can accomplish now.
     Let the world be warned!