Some days there are tears

Sitting in my living room, a simple foodie show on the television, a little girl sings to a stranger, and suddenly, there are tears. She is sweetness and innocence, her smile sincere and without guile. So, the tears...there is no reason this should loosen them from me. Yet
I know the reasons well.

In the safety of my cozy home, no immediate worries, I cry. It happens more often these days. Just beneath the layer of ten years of resiliency, still so thin, Grief waits for me. This morning, there is no reason for crying, so Grief knows I am an easy target. Yesterday, I was ready for its arrival, fended off attack with yard work and laughter. This morning, after a restless night of little sleep and a two a.m. walk in the full moon brightness in my backyard, my guard is down. The girl's smile is an arrow delivered through the heart of my sadness, my tears the release of loss and sadness and longing for what has been lost.

Some days there are tears. Some days the tears last an impossibly long time. Other days, like today, they are brief, a harbinger of more to come. Some days, though not many these past months, pass without a single tear.                          


I miss my son.
I miss my brother.
I want them back, here with me, laughing and teasing and smiling.

I miss them so much, and when I think of my life without them it is surreal, bringing so many questions without answers.

Blinded once again by fresh tears, I imagine them together, leaning on each other as they transition from this world to the other, knowing how much all of us left behind are hurting and missing their presence.

Sunshine lights my living room, glittering spots through my sorrow sodden eyes. I do not wipe away the tears. Some days there are tears, and I know not to fight too hard against Grief. Some days, I know it is best to invite it in, let it sit beside me, ride the waves of loss, and simply smile through tears as I remember why I cry. I love them, so I miss them; and I wouldn't change the love to erase the pain of losing them. So I will cry, but I will also smile, remembering the many reasons they are worth missing, even though it means that some days, there are tears.