63 Reasons Why

Note: This piece was written by a former student (now a grown adult) and shared on her social media. For obvious reasons, it hit home with me in a powerful, emotionally provoking way. When I asked if I could share, Taylor Siebecker immediately gave permission. Aside from a bit of formatting, it is exactly as she wrote it. Thank you is simply not enough. 
*possible suicidal triggering



63 various pills used to rest in the bottom of my purse in a ziplock bag; 63 various pills that I carried around, waiting to be taken to end what felt like my endless suffering. 63 reasons why I thought my life was not worth it. 63 pills that felt like they weighed thousands of pounds. I wrote my suicide letter, tears streaming down my face as I tried to explain why I did what I had planned. I still have that letter, buried in my closet; I read it often when I’m alone or wondering what my purpose here on this earth is. 

The thoughts that once raced through my head; they consumed me, they ate away at every ounce of my being. Well those thoughts seem so surreal now; the idea that I ever thought my life wasn’t worth it. Something that has been weighing heavily on me lately is the concept that if I had gone through with my plans, I would have been gone ten whole years this past spring, or two years this past June had I followed through. I wouldn’t have gotten to meet the love of my life, to be there for my family when my dad passed away, to give birth to the most amazing human I have ever met, to never teach my little brother to drive, to watch myself grow into the person I am today, to find God. If I had followed through, my room would be an empty shell, filled with the things my family refuses to throw away because they’re holding on to all that is left of me. 

63 reasons why. I will spend the rest of my life finding thousands of reasons why I am worth it; why I shouldn’t kill myself. Thousands of reasons I don’t carry those 63 pills around anymore. And the weight of those thousands of reasons will always outweigh my 63 reasons.

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