It's Just a Blue Hat

...BUT IT IS SO MUCH MORE! It's Robbie's blue hat, one of the few things I have of his. I wear it, and feel him with me when I need it most. I feel him watching over me, especially when I need it most.

This morning, I readied to go out for chores, grabbed my quilted flannel shirt off the hook, and reached for the blue hat. I always hang it on the hook above the flannel. I grabbed for it without having to look, but no hat. Slight moment of panic, but this has happened before. It is exactly why I now ALWAYS hang it on the hook.

Deep breath. Calm yourself, Kristine. My hand reaches into the deep front pocket of the flannel (second storage spot). Nothing. The other pocket is searched. Nada.

Panic.

"I can't find my blue hat!" Chad turns from where he is standing in the kitchen. He knows it is more than a knit cap that keeps my head warm in winter. 

Frantic, I rush into our coatroom, searching the cubbies, the hanging jackets and coats, their pockets, even though I know without doubt the blue hat is not going to be found in any of them. Fighting my swiss cheese memory, I backtrack to the last time I remember donning the blue hat. 

Yesterday. I was certain. I can still feel the softened rim hovering above my brow line. "We'll find it." Chad, my biggest support, my rock, the person who knows me best of all-he recognizes the doubt in my eyes as I head out to feed my equines. 

I shake it off best as I can, trying to offer good vibes to Cinder, Cappy, and Red. Welcoming nickers greet me as I step outside, always bringing me a warm feeling. My Mustangs. My joy. The work we do together one of my greatest points of pride. Easy and calm, feed dispensed, kittens fed and purring in the horse barn, I walk back inside thinking of Robbie's blue hat.

Of course, I check and recheck the horse feed storage bins (no way, but...), Chad's car (I was in it yesterday for Piper's vet visit), my car (hadn't used it since Monday), and all the coats and pockets on the hooks and in the coatroom. 

"You have to help me find my blue hat." My heart squeezes. Fighting back tears, I head into the shower where I can cry freely. My mind roams to Robbie...Do I even have a picture of him in this blue hat? How could I be so stupid to think this day wasn't inevitable? One day, I know the hat will be gone, whether lost or worn to shreds. Covering my face with both hands, I lean against the shower wall and sob. Today was not supposed to be the day. This could not be the week...Thanksgiving, Piper's health troubles, and a number of other disappointments...it is too much.

Chad knocks on the bathroom door. "Is this what you were looking for?" In his outstretched hand he holds the blue hat. I can only nod and smile at him, unable to speak. "I'll put it on the table." As soon as the door closes, I sink against the wall, crying relief, promising myself one more time that I will never put Robbie's hat down on a random shelf in the garage ever, ever again. 

Once dried and dressed, I swing past the table and put the blue hat back on my head to return outside and open the gate for the horses. Cappy walks to me from his ankle deep hay pile, and my heart swells. Life with grief is a roller coaster ride, filled with ups and downs, highs and lows. I rub Cappy's fuzzy neck, finding his favorite spots. Robbie would have loved him, and Little Red and Cinder, too. Even though he's gone, I feel him with me in moments like these, moments that bring me to tears because I am overwhelmed with love, loss, and longing.

Walking away from the horses, I stop and snap a picture, capturing the blue hat. One day it might be gone, but my memories and all they tie together will stay, warming me on chilly days and on days my heart needs a reminder of beautiful reasons to keep smiling.