Boundaries & Building Relationships

I am on my phone in the midst of a heavy, emotional discussion. Sitting cross legged on my bed, my heart is exposed in the way only May is capable of these days. Grief. Boundaries. Prioritizing my needs against disappointment, expectations, and dismissiveness. Some heavy topics for a Monday morning, but important and necessary. Cleansing even.

As I contemplate things with a trusted friend, I see Cappy through my bedroom patio door. He stands relaxed near the back of the west pasture. Just watching him calms me, fills my bucket if you will. My heart rate slows as I see him droop into a sigh and drop gently onto the green blanket of spring's grass. My sweet gelding lays down, comfortable enough to chill out even though Cinder is still in the center pasture after morning feeding. Red stands about twenty feet away, not on guard, simply resting.

Watching this, I grace myself with acknowledging how much Cappy trusts me, how far I have helped him come since we first met. This is important because it forces me to also admit the contrast of this version of my character with the focus of my current conversation. Every interaction with my horses is a way for me to add money (positive feelings) into my trainer bank account, for me to fill theirs. It insures that when something inevitably goes awry, I have enough credit to keep their trust, their love, their willingness. 

Relationships can be hard, but they shouldn't remain that way. If I constantly interacted with Cappy in ways that made him feel like he was not enough, that he was not a priority, that he didn't really matter...he would adjust our connection accordingly. I would expect nothing else! 

Yet, I struggle to prioritize my needs with people who time and again show I am not high on their lists. Boundaries, I was reminded by a friend's FB post, are not meant to change other's behaviors but to protect ourselves. I help others understand how important their mental wellness and Total Health are and that they should take steps to protect themselves; but here I am again, heartsore and hurt because I have not done the same. The struggle is real.

Cappy lifts me up as he lays fully flat, head on the ground, sleepy and safe in his home. A home: Friends, Food, Forage, and Freedom...the mainstays of a horse's health and happiness. Not too different from what we all need. As I wrap up my call, Cappy rises and meanders toward the gate, and I move outside to meet him.

There is power in setting boundaries to protect ourselves, to push ourselves to reach goals. May is a great time for me to put my needs in top priority, to savor Brick House Studio, my backdrop for healing myself and others who wish to take advantage of my offerings. 

In the end, I can only offer. If there are people who refuse to feed my bank, who only make withdrawals as I deposit, that is up to them. It is a hard pill to swallow, but the words of my friends resonate, reassure, and revitalize my resolve. Not coincidentally today, I find a few more posts reminding me to surround myself with positive influences, to release the things that twist me up inside. The Universe is none too subtle on this breezy, sunny Monday.

I hear it, and respond accordingly.