Guilt: The Wasted Emotion (#1 'Emotional' Series)

Lately, the topic of guilt has come up too often for me to ignore. Time after time, my lovely, kind, put others before themselves friends have shared situations that leave them guilt ridden. 

For instance: 

     I need to visit my (mom/dad/grandparent/friend/etc.) but I'm really dreading it because (they treat me so horribly/I really can't afford it/they never appreciate me/etc.) but if I don't go I will feel guilty. 

     I have to (fill in the chore/task) for my (fill in the relationship) or they're going to be angry and I feel guilty when I tell them no.

My normal response to friends who lament feeling guilty about something is to profess, "STOP IT! Guilt is a wasted emotion." 

I say this confidently. I say this with conviction. I say this with the firm understanding of an incredibly important point: the only people who seem to feel guilty about things are the people who shouldn't feel guilty. The actual guilty parties flit onward, without a blink of hesitation at the way their actions make others feel. 

Again: The only people who feel guilty are the ones who have no need to feel that way.

There are so many people in the world who are all about themselves, who want to control and intentionally hurt the people they claim to love. I could write a novel about some of those situations. (Oooh, I know a few who will worry about that idea!) I know from personal experiences what happens when someone who is supposed to love and care for you twists that all around and instead uses 'love' to hurt. 

It was guilt that had me crying in the office at church when X broke the PPO and I struggled to make the call. Guilt was the reason I stayed for too many years with a man who raped and abused and did his best to convince me I was useless and could only survive if I stayed. Guarantee, zero guilt on his part. The smirk I still see in nightmares is only a tad of evidence to support my claim. 

If you are in a situation where you give and give and give while others only take, and then you feel guilty when you draw the line and need to say no, then you are wasting your guilt on unworthy participants. 

It doesn't matter if it's a parent or a spouse. Nobody has the right to mistreat you. Life is too short to surround yourself with people who are mean, selfish, abusive, or simply make you feel bad about your own life.

Stop wasting emotional energy on people who do not deserve you. You are not crazy to want better for your heart. 

Still questioning? Here's a way to know. Imagine the last time you felt guilty, the last time 'they' NEEDED you (they say need, but want is more accurate) to do something and you said no, or maybe later, or I can't right now. Imagine the last fight, the way they treated you, yelled, threatened, gaslighted their behavior. Now, imagine your child/best friend/anyone else in that same situation. What would you tell them? Would you expect them to feel guilty? Would you want them to stay in that harmful state of mind? 

Give yourself the same grace you want for someone else. You deserve to be treated well. You should never feel guilty for setting healthy boundaries. I've needed to distance certain people, cut some out all together, because they are toxic. I do not feel guilty about it. 

I know this is easier said (less so to write) than done. Years of conditioning by those who savor our guilt are depending upon that discomfort. They thrive upon the goodness of others to continue their narcissistic lifestyle. They need you to feel guilty so they can continue to force your hand.

So, please, STOP IT! Guilt is a wasted emotion! Each time you are able to stand up for yourself, you will be a little stronger. Fifty times of standing, fifty times stronger. Take away their power by being sure you are protecting and loving yourself. That isn't selfishness. It is self-care.

Love and guilt are not tied together. Love yourself. Value yourself. Stand up for yourself. People who question you for doing so are not worth your energy, and certainly are not worth wasting energy feeling guilty about cutting loose.